Alexandra (apiphobic) wrote,
Alexandra
apiphobic

OKC exchange installment II

subject: (No subject)

"Hello.

You are very pretty. To be upfront, I have no interest in meeting anyone in person that I’ve met online. But would you mind if I asked you a few sincere questions that only an utterly clueless male could conceive of in the hope that you answer in a sisterly, brutally honest way?

Thanks!
Nick

totally.

Thanks! ☺
Quick disclaimer: In case you couldn’t already tell, I’m basically an idiot, especially when it comes to women. Hence the questions…

I guess I’m curious about:
1 – How on earth am I supposed to introduce myself to a girl without it being a completely humiliating and regrettable experience, especially in a bar? What’s an opening that is likely to hold your attention – interesting without being corny?
2 – Is there any chance whatsoever that a girl could be seriously interested in, or attracted to, a guy who is openly awkward around women? Or is feigned confidence the way to go?
3 – How important is a guy’s job or work ambitions to you?
4 – How big was the biggest, um, erm, ‘guy’ you or your friends have actually seen or dealt with in person? (Long story why I’m asking...)
5 – What do you like doing with your mutual, non-romantic male friends?
6 – To what extent is mystery important in a guy? Are guys who reveal almost nothing about themselves likely to hold your interest for long?
7 – Do girls essentially prefer being the more mature and controlling person in the relationship, or do they prefer a guy who ‘knows what he wants’ and all that?

Thanks for all your help ☺
Nick"


ok.. actually, I think it's neat that you're asking, that's how you learn, after all.
and those questions are all reasonable. (not that I'm any sort of authority on the subject.)

1- this question is probably the hardest one in the whole list. confidence is key, but honestly in order to not make a woman feel uncomfortable, you need to feel comfortable with yourself. you don't need to be the suavest or most attractive guy there, but if you're not at ease, or your bumbling or tripping over words, you are NOT going to get the interaction you want.

one thing that might help, and this might sound creepy, but if I were a guy I'd do this--- think about the sort of woman you'd want to meet, and imagine something that she might be interested in. topics, shows, fashion-- whatever, and brush up on those things so you can talk casually about a common subject until she starts to find you agreeable.

as far as actually getting things started, try to keep it fun, and casually move from one thing to another.
a lot of women travel in groups. if you do start talking to one, be sure to talk to her friends too. it makes you seem more friendly and less creepy.

things that will NOT work incluse: paying her a compliment that reveals you've been paying a lot of attention to her from affar (this only work for the very hansom and arrogant), getting her to feel sorry for you. no one wants to comfort a stranger when they're trying to have fun.


that opening line is really tricky. if you REALLY have trouble with social interaction I might recommend looking into finishing schools. they're not just for the young girls of high society any more, and they often cover things like conversational skills and how to carry yourself.


I hope some of that helps...

2. fake it until you make it, but it's got to be convincing. more people are doing just that than you might think.

3. job is not important at all, but ambition is HUGELY important.
whatever they're doing, as long as they're planning on and working towards doing something that is important to them, I'd be happy with.

4. if you're asking what I think you're asking, the biggest was 9". but the best was with 5". anyone that says size is more important than skill has never slept with anyone skilled. I will say, though, that generally because of the stigma, bigger guys are often more confident and that goes a long way.

5. going for walks, looking for nice clothes for them, playing video games, gossiping.

6. predictable is boring, but someone that needs to be overly private is suspicious. the best is someone you know you can count on who also keeps you guessing.

7. depends on the girl. I like guys who know what they want, and respect that I know what I want.



also dress nice. it seems trivial, but it's not.



Thank you so much! You’re a total angel ☺

Obviously my questions were vague and everything depends on circumstances, but it’s worth a shot if I can get a candid opinion – might save me some time and anguish in real life…

I’m most concerned about an opening – not so much a single line, but an initial topic; something to get the ball rolling other than asking a series of logistical questions about their lives. When guys have approached you successfully, what did they start talking about, or what about the conversation impressed you enough to take things further? And can you think of any better places to meet guys than in bars?

Hmm. I’m sort of ‘Michael Cera awkward’, except I look like an actual man. I was starting to think that if I faked my own confidence long enough, I might start to believe it myself…

Fair enough. I was starting to get the impression women are judging men as potential marriage partners and fathers almost from the moment they meet…
But what if their ambitions lie in something that’s childish and unrealistic?

Sheesh. How old were you when you came face to face with a nine-inch erection for the first time, and how did you react? Have your friend seen anything like that or are you the record holder? I have one female friend who feels comfortable enough to tell me about all of her encounters, and I wouldn’t be asking you if she didn’t tell me. One of them was, by her estimation, nine and a half inches. I guess I was just curious how common that is, if that’s what I’m up against with every girl or something. And I know it’s completely ridiculous, but all guys want to be the biggest and the best, you know?

Do you hang out with any mutual guy friends one on one, or is it always in groups? Do you organise things or do they? And how did you meet them anyway?

Hmm. This might be hard to explain. What exactly do you mean by saying I should dress ‘nice’? Should I overdress for occasions? Lots of colour/personality? Are there any specific celebrities I should try to emulate or any clothing stores I should keep an eye on?

Thanks so much for your honesty. Very interesting answers. It’s hard to argue with any of them; it all seems so much easier when written down…


hmm...


I don't really meet people at bars. I mostly meet people through some sort of function.. at work, at school, etc. you know, when you have some sort of mutual project or goal. then you have something to talk about.

I also meet people through friends and parties. it makes things easier knowing everyone there is basically pre-approved by someone you mutually like.


you're a lot more likely not only to meet someone, but to meet someone you really like while taking a class in something you're interested in. maybe you need a little "help" from someone cute who has a good grasp on the subject?


there are some key things that most women like, but really those are things that most PEOPLE like. confidence, trustworthiness, ambition, interest, etc.

contrary to a lot of self help books for me, there is no formula to get women. there might be something that works on certain women, but it's likely that those women are not good partners if they're falling for that sort of thing.


I was 18, and my first reaction was "not tonight, and not anytime soon". I saw this video years later that pretty much sums up how I feel about that situation:

http://vimeo.com/13605859

I hang out with guy friends one on one or in groups. friends are friends regardless of gender. usually I'll call them, or they'll call me, and we'll say something about not seeing each other in a while, and make plans to hang out soon.


dressing nice: for a guy, this basically means having clothes that are high quality and that fit you well. they don't need to be flashy, just flattering. understated is good.

a really nice outfit for a guy is: a pair of casual (but nice) pants (chinos, dark jeans, suit pants that aren't to dressy), a button down shirt (a color is nice here. white is too formal), and a blazer (gray is good. again, black is to formal).

clothes that make you look comfortable. believe me, you'll feel better is you look great. try just going into a nice store and asking a sales person to help you put together an outfit. you don't even need to buy it, just look at yourself and see how you feel.


you're very welcome.
again, I'm no authority on this sort of thing, but if any of it helps, I'm glad.


It seems like everyone meets through friends, family or work/school. Makes sense and all, but it is limiting. I also don’t like the idea that mutual acquaintances would be getting live updates on how a potential relationship of mine is unfolding. I guess that’s part of the deal. I’m a bit old for classes now, and unfortunately, from what I can tell, very few people are willing to participate in a conversation they aren’t specifically prepared for, especially with a stranger.

Haha. I’m reading ‘The Game’ by Neil Strauss, about the ‘seduction’ community – basically guys who devote themselves to picking up women. It’s amusing, but these guys are an entirely different species from me. Sadly, I think their routines are pretty effective.

Haha. That’s a lot to deal with for a young girl. How old was HE? Was he really tall or black or something? Have your friends seen anything like that too, or are you the record holder? From what I could tell, the extra inches were mostly a visual bonus, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to erase my friend’s breathlessly overwhelmed gigglish enthusiasm for her encounter from my memory. And she only gave head.

Very, very amusing video. Slightly different viewpoint than all those episodes of ‘Sex and the City’ I trained myself on :P

Hmm. Did you go to a co-ed school? What do you really want from your guy friends – a brother figure and protector, or a girl without the emotions?

Haha. Cool. Over the years I’ve gradually eradicated colour from my wardrobe and I basically wear black at all times now. You’re the first girl to really mention clothing is important.

Thanks again!

you're never too old for a class. try a cooking class or something.

as far as the "game" goes, I'm sure they do go home with someone more often than not. they are probably even quite attractive. but I'd bet these women don't respects themselves and have deep seated insecurities.

he was 22. I'm not the only one. a lot of my female friends have encountered penises of similar size, some thrilled, some horrified.
honestly, it's not worth thinking about. what matters is that you use what you have well.

I went to a coed school. my guy friends are just friends. some of them are really close, some of them are more emotional than any girls I know. most of them are fairly brotherly to me.



They actually use the ‘game’ in places other than clubs and bars, and alcohol has barely been mentioned where I’m up to at least. I just don’t think I could do any of their routines with a straight face. If a guy ever asks you about magic tricks or asks you to think of a number between one and ten, run.

Haha. I knew it. Oh well, at least you’re honest. What’s the record for the biggest your friends have seen? And did you think it was at least more fun to fool around with?

I think going to a co-ed school would make a huge difference, as someone who quite obviously didn’t. In my mind there’s always been a huge separation between men and women, whether I’m interested in them or not. Do you talk to your guy friends on the phone a lot? Ever summon them for advice? Ever cry to them? Or are they strictly for in-person use?

actually, that sort of makes sense. a little display of skill can go a long way. my BF does card tricks and lays on the charm, but he is also one of the sweetest and most genuine people I know. if I were a woman in a bar and some charismatic guy was doing card tricks, I'd be in it for the show, but I'd also be very suspicious of him.

he does have one thing going for him that is irresistible to many women: she can show him off to her friends. this will get someone far, but only so far. this is the sort of relationship that lives in beds and at parties and typically ends in hurt feelings (unless the woman knows what she's getting into, and it's a mutual ass-getting a good time/no commitment thing. there's a market for that)

i guess there's the kind of guy you show off to your friends, and the kind of guy you show off to your parents? not that they're mutually exclusive. honestly, though every woman and indeed every person should be approached as an individual. I'm serious about that. also anyone in a relationship wants to think (I would hope, wants to KNOW,) that their partner is in it for want of being with them, rather than for fear of being alone.

as far as the pinis size thing, some women do have preferences. most just want one that works faithfully and is at their beckon call.
there was a girl I went to high school with who was always dating much older guys. she was 17 and I think most of them were pushing 30. I recall her bragging about her current guy being 11". I thought that was gross then and I think it's gross now. I'd have trouble holding it against I guy I otherwise liked, but it would be a real issue for me, and while I know a lot fo girls would be thrilled, I know a lot who agree with me that it's about what they do, not what they're working with. it's usually a much bigger (no pun intended) issue for guys than it is for women.


men and women are different in a lot of ways. much of it societal, much of it just wired in. guys are more protective of their friends, and even more protective of close female friends. guys sometimes have trouble talking about emotional things, but more often than not come around on that once they realize it doens't make them seem weak. guys also worry about appearing weak much more. women talk about their sex lives more, are more apt to become emotional, and are usually more forgiving.

again, all of these differences are subtil and trivial in the face of how different most people are. a few of my closest friends are X boyfriends. I'm extremely selective in choosing a partner, and when I do, they're usually someone I want in my life for a good long time, regardless of whether I'm dating them or not. I relationship without a friendship, in my opinion, is useless. if the relationship has any long term potential, I've got to know that if we stop having sex, or if money gets tight, or whatever else-- we will still enjoy each other.

but that's just my personal preference.



I don’t think I’d get along with any guys who are so devoted to the competition of attracting women – not that they’d care. I’m sure it all works; I just don’t think I could respect myself if I did it. I’d rather fail as myself than succeed as someone else, you know?

Actually the more I think about all this stuff, the more I realise I’m so far behind that it doesn’t particularly interest me to try – being shown off to friends or parents and everything, it’s just not me. I think I’d be an okay boyfriend once it got to that point, but I’d be hopeless at getting there. And I probably would be in it for the social context of being with someone rather than being alone. I don’t know of anyone else like this – probably not a coincidence – so I have no idea how common it is.

Haha. Another of my friend’s stories involved a guy who couldn’t get it up. She sounded furious and took it as a personal insult.
Sheesh. Eleven inches. Wouldn’t want to be her next boyfriend.
I just hope women are as clueless at judging measurements as I suspect they are. Again, my friend only gave head, so there’s only so much work he had to do with it, but she seemed to appreciate it in that capacity. (And refused to have sex with him, as she was a virgin at the time.)

Yeah, they are very different, especially when they’re with a group of the same sex. I find women fascinating, like they’ll always be new to me. I’m not so sure that guys are protective of other guy friends; they tend to stray from any potential drama at least. And I’m not so sure that women are more forgiving either. It’s all relative.

How many people are in your sort of inner circle of friends? I imagine there isn’t much space if you have such long-term friendships, but I think that’s the right way to conduct your life, for what it’s worth :P
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